The Single Question

You know, I’ve heard them all before:

“God has someone very special He’s preparing just for you...”

“You’re going to make some woman a great husband someday...”

“There are lots of single women out there that would love a solid Christian man like you...”

“Hey, I have a friend... she’s single... and...”

Oh, and my favorite of all time...

“When God sees you’ve gone as far as you can as a single man, he’ll bring that special woman into your life to walk further with you...”

Well, I just turned 60 this year. I am single. I have never married. For many years I did all that I knew how to do to get married and have those dozen or so kids that I wanted to have, but it just never happened. Oh, before you say it, I know, I changed that a few times and only ended up wanting two kids, so that wasn't my "problem" that scared all the women away.

When I was in my twenties I thought, I’m serving the Lord. I teach Sunday School, go to Bible Study, and attend church services three times a week. I faithfully tithe, have my quiet time, read the Word and pray every morning. So, God, why am I single? I know lots of fellow Christian men my age and younger even that don’t do all I do for you, and they are married and have children. Why not me? Oh, I did date in college, and even got sort of serious about one or two women before and after college, but they usually got wise to me, I guess, and broke it off before I could ask that question.

Then in my thirties I began to settle down in a career, I even dated a little off and on, got serious about one person and almost “popped that question, again”, but my spirit and God’s spirit within me just would not let me do it. So, I set my sights on my forties!

In my forties, I thought, yes, this is when God’s going to do it. My maternal grandfather did not marry until he was 42, and he fathered four children and helped raise two stepchildren. Yes, that’s it, that’s what God’s going to do for me. I know it! I will find a widow and God will give me a family.

Well, 42 came and went, and I entered a very dark phase in my life. I shook my fist at God and said, “Well, then, I see you don’t really care about what I want. You give to everyone, but not to me!” I walked away from God. I partied like it was 1999, I stopped having my quiet times, I stopped praying – except when I was really in trouble, I attended church in body only but not in spirit, if I even went at all and eventually stopped going to church, too. I worked. I earned a lot of money, and I spent it all as well.

You see, I had lost all hope that God cared for me. That He wanted my best. He just wanted to give other people what I wanted.

I like what our pastor said this past Sunday in his message on trust and relationships, “If we don’t have hope in our relationships, we will replace it with something else, hate, fear, bitterness, anger, pride, holding grudges, and so on.” 

That’s what I did. I replaced my healthy relationship with God for whatever else would make me feel good about me at the moment. That was the way I spent the better part of my mid to late forties and early fifties.

I do like the verse in Joel, though, that tells us God is in the business of redemption and of giving back, Joel 2:25-26 says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten – You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.” Praise God He stuck it out with me!

Then in my early fifties, after I lost my well paying job, and had to learn to live on practically nothing, I returned to church. It took a while for me to realize, even after I began to attend church and regain the spiritual “habits” that I needed to grow again, that God had never left me.

Once I came to that conclusion, then the big realization came to me as well. There are just some people in this world that God calls to be single. Oh, now, before you stop reading, because you’re scared that He might do this to you (when it’s not really doing it to you as doing it with you, because He’s there all the way, believe me), please do read on to the end.

Let me say right now that I don’t believe that all single people need to be single forever. Not all men need to be “bachelors to the rapture” as we used to say in our guys single group when I was part of a Navigator Discipleship Group. Not all women need to be “Old maids for Jesus” either.

God is the one that established the family in the first place. He called men and women to need each other and marry and raise a family. That’s His plan for most men and women in his kingdom. There are some, though, and may I say some very special few, for which God has a different calling. No matter the calling that God has for you, married or single, if you try to be what He has not called you to be then you are living outside of His perfect plan for your life, and you will find that a struggle you just don’t want to have!

OK, so lots of stuff so far, but you’re probably asking yourself how did I know I was called to be single? That’s not an easy question to answer, but I’ll do my best to show you how I arrived here. Oh, and don’t believe for one minute that life has been perfect and happy and blessed and peaceful and all that once I accepted this calling.

A call to be single is no easier than a call to be married, it’s just the call God has for some, and in that there is peace, there is joy, there is a feeling of rest. To those that can accept this calling, you know what I am talking about. I can’t speak from experience, but I think it must feel a lot like what those called to be married feel once they are married. I mean, a call is a call, right?

I’ll begin with the obvious passage of scripture, 1 Corinthians 7:1-9:

Concerning Married Life

“Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (NIV)

Paul gives us what he feels is the “ideal” or gift from God. Stay single, but if you cannot handle it, or I believe, if you are not called to or given the gift of singlenss, then you must marry. That’s it. It’s just that simple, right? I wish!

Later on in the chapter we see he talks about “changing our status” – whatever you are now, and there’s a list of things I won’t go into here, stay the way you are! And much later in the chapter he spells out why he sees as the reason we need to accept the call or gift God has for us. In 1 Corinthians 7:29-35 he explains it all:

“What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (NIV)

I know, I know, we have all heard sermons on this for years. I had heard them many times. I even had well meaning, married friends, of course, point this passage out to me many, many times. I even had one brother in Christ constantly tell me he believed I was that special kind of Godly man chosen by God to be a eunuch, wow!

In my 20s, 30s, and early 40s, I gave it a head nod and a big AMEN, but not a heart acknowledgement to the fact that God may be speaking to me. NO WAY! NOT ME! I want kids! I want someone to love that will love me. I want... well... see my dilemma and the heart of the matter? It should never be about what “I” want. It should never be about what “I” feel. It should never be about what “I” know is right for me.

This life we live, we live for Jesus (Galatians 2:20, Philippians1:21)! That’s it! Until we get it in our head and in our heart that it’s never about me, it’s all about Him, then we won’t be the fulfilled man or woman of God he wants us to be whether we are single or married.

It’s all about Jesus; we are never going to be happy with whatever relationship status we post on Facebook until we know and live out our call and our gift. We have to know it’s His calling for us. Ephesians 4:1 says, “As a prisoner for the lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – It’s HIS calling for your life that matters most!

Again, am I saying that it was easy for me to accept this? No, it wasn’t, look at the years I spent fighting it. I had to stop fighting, stop “kicking against the goads” as Jesus told Paul in his “Road to Damascus” conversion experience (Acts 26:14). I had to let go of what “I” wanted, felt was right, thought “I” needed, and just let God show me that His calling is always better.

I can promise you one thing, if you think being single is tough, well, from what I hear, being married is no bed of roses either. We all have to struggle and work at the call and gift God has for us, but one thing has been very clear to me in the last half a dozen years since I accepted this calling for my life – living in God’s plan and calling and accepting His gift is much easier than fighting against it.

If you are married and reading this, well, don’t suddenly feel called to be single. God has you where he wants you; let Him lead you in your marriage to be the best you two can be for him.

If you are single (and there are lots of forms of singleness), then trust God. Maybe He’s calling you to stay the way you are, for now, or forever, but always for his glory and for your best interest and more importantly for the best interest of His Kingdom!

Have I stopped receiving well-meaning encouragement from other married Christian friends about how God has someone for me? No, not yet. (They may stop once they read this, though, but we’ll see.) Again, it’s not about me, though, it’s about God and His call and his gift for my life.

I don’t know where this finds you as you read it, or who may read it. I only know one thing. God wanted me to share this.

I pray that for whomever God leads to read this,  

1) If you are single or married you will think about His call and His gift for your life

2) If you are married, you will share this with your single friends

3) If you are single, you will share this with your single and married friends

You see, it’s not just about a call or gift to be single. It’s about accepting what God has for our lives. It’s about putting it all on the line for the life we have in Christ, period! God bless you, and may you live to experience His call and His gift as fulfilled as He truly wants you to be.

I'm curious, if you are single, what are your experiences with being single?

If you're married, what was your process that lead you to being married?